The last few weeks have been a series of back-to-back crunches on trying to get some software out the door while on work travel to our “make like production line” (which, we are being generous here, as that would be a stretch of what that entire building stands for).

We will circle back on the above crunch in a later post, but a sentiment that cropped up again, that of being an “aro/ace“ individual in a cishet’s world, will be the main focus today.

What, you don’t want kids?

An easy place to start, where the majority of the population takes some issue, but has an understanding of.

A non-insignificant population of my generation, the early bits of Gen Z, has expressed a pretty serious statement that they will likely not have kids. This issue has actually become so widely discussed that it’s hit [mainstream media](https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/millennials-gen-z-childless-money-finances-massmutual/). The argument typically picked up by the general media is geopolitical instability coupled tightly with financial instability. This has only been compounded as of late given the US’s ongoing political strife, where even 3-6 months from now is an uncertain timeline.

I find myself in a pretty fortunate circumstance. I am a well paid engineer, in a line of work that will have a need to exist, whether that is within the US or elsewhere (and — unfortunately a boom in the defense industry is probably good for manufacturing… yikes!). I am fortunate in that I have the savings to cover me in an emergency, and I have family I can move in with, if it were to become so drastic. And luckily, it is just myself and my dog, so I wouldn’t be entirely screwed by expenses. Adding kids would add some risk for sure though, and I fear not being able to afford food for a loved one, so we’re just going to dodge that problem.

Money doesn’t paint the entire for me. I personally experience a decade long mental struggle of “how do I live for me,” following a close battle with cancer. My personal image of my future unfortunately does not see kids as a portion of that model. I believe it is in my best interest to make a positive impact with my nieces & nephews as both my siblings have had them early. In addition to this, I struggle to see a brighter future (to be discussed in a future post of nihilism vs realism, which I promise is technology related!) for the upcoming generations, especially from an environmental perspective. I am not comfortable raising children into what may end up being a nuclear wasteland, flooded hellscape, or drought ridden city remains, even if those circumstances are a slim possibility in the distant future.

I’ve explained this to a coworker a few times, who simply does not understand my wishes, and has agreed to disagree.

Ok — Explain the Aro / Ace then

Yeah, this is the bigger elephant in the room. It’s much easier to go “Economy bad, me no have kids,” than it is to explain the difficulty of “I feel little to no romantic or sexual attraction to others, and it may be because of emotional walls I have put in place to distance myself.”

…

Okay, that was a heavy front load to this conversation. I had heavy crushes as a kid, I’ve been in a couple long term relationships and a few “flings” in the past. Every single one of those relationships I cut off as I simply did not feel a real romantic attraction to my partner. I thought I would, I figured a spark might come, hell I even had a “fling” during a summer in Uni while interning far away from home. Through all of that, I really didn’t feel much. I felt a societal pressure (especially from my parents) to find a partner as that would ”make me happy.”

Each of those didn’t leave me necessarily scarred - but I had hurt the other party, and ruined several great friendships — and really they were just that to me, friendships. It’s been several years since then, I’ve gone on dates with all sorts of people, and within the last two I’ve decided that at least for now, dating (nor a partner) is right for me. I’ve taken the aromatic label in stride for now, until I hopefully can be proved otherwise.

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right person!!!!”

Maybe so.

Ace

Describing asexuality is even harder. I probably fall into the demi band. I don’t lust after people, unfortunately sexual needs still feel like a thing (and — to keep this light, I don’t like masturbation nor sex). I can tell you when someone is objectively hot, no matter who, what gender, etc, but often I don’t feel an innate attraction?

The above hasn’t stopped me from having sexual intimacy in relationships. I’ve often done it at the behest of my partner, but it’s never really appealed to me. This I am less convinced I will find “the right person” for. I think I may find the right person that I am willing to have sex to please/maintain a healthy relationship with, but that is a VERY different dynamic.

A few of my very good friends are confounded by this. I have not been able to expand more on for them. I do not think I need to either. It’s a very personal and difficult subject to bridge. I instead fall into the “I make overtly sexual jokes with friends to avoid talking about it” crowd, which I actually recently learned is pretty common.

What now?

Well — I’ve bridged this piece by piece with my community. Some friends know, some are accepting with open arms, some aren’t. My parents are somewhere in the latter crowd. They’ve now mostly accepted that I won’t have kids, but aren’t understanding the “no partner” component. I’ve managed to dodge any criticism/discussion by blaming my 6+ moves in the last two years.

I hope at some point to find an answer re: aro, as sometimes I yearn for companionship, but I simply cannot place what the image of that may look like. I guess we will have to just wait and see, huh?